Funny papers

Here it is, Sunday, the day not so much an issue or topic, as two days since another little post. I have my reasons, hope, and therefore efforts placed elsewhere. We did have a nice dinner with neighbors, ground lamb and beef working well together in a patty.

Ever hear of Ambrose Bierce? Long dead (disappeared, actually), he wrote of war from the soldier's sensibility. He had grit. He had wit as well.

A friend announced to the world that "The Devil's Dictionary" was her new favorite book. No other details were given, including author. I happened to stumble across his name while reading DW's lefty organ while on the can (easy target). The one and the same as ABove. Project Gutenberg has it has a free download.

I purchased a copy at the bookstore last week as a present to DW. She likes things defined. She, in turn, left it where a good deal of reading gets done, albeit in spurts. I'm making my way through the As.

ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

 

How can one not chuckle?

ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking.

ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

"My accountability, bear in mind,"
Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes,"
Said the Shah: "I do — 'tis the only kind
Of ability you possess."
—Joram Tate

ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

ACCORD, n. Harmony.

ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought
You a total abstainer, my son."
"So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught —
"But not, sir, a bigoted one."
—G.J.

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.

ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilified; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.

To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.
—Jogo Tyree

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;
The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
—Phela Orm

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
—Oliver Cromwell

ABRACADABRA.

By Abracadabra we signify
An infinite number of things.
'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
And Whence? and Whither? — a word whereby
The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
Is open to all who grope in night,
Crying for Wisdom's holy light.

Whether the word is a verb or a noun
Is knowledge beyond my reach.
I only know that 'tis handed down.
From sage to sage,
From age to age —
An immortal part of speech!

Of an ancient man the tale is told
That he lived to be ten centuries old,
In a cave on a mountain side.
(True, he finally died.)
The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
For his head was bald, and you'll understand
His beard was long and white
And his eyes uncommonly bright.

Philosophers gathered from far and near
To sit at his feat and hear and hear,
Though he never was heard
To utter a word
But "Abracadabra, abracadab,
Abracada, abracad,
Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!"
'Twas all he had,
'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
Which they published next —
A trickle of text
In the meadow of commentary.
Mighty big books were these,
In a number, as leaves of trees;
In learning, remarkably — very!

He's dead,
As I said,
And the books of the sages have perished,
But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,
Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
O, I love to hear
That word make clear
Humanity's General Sense of Things.
—Jamrach Holobom